I wanted to entitle this, Normal, or the semblance of (being normal), but that just looked weird.
N for Normal.
Yesterday while strategising my next trip (it’s a little one, just a girls’ weekend away), I noticed my brain working on two channels. I must say, I’m used to this since I’m a pro multitasker. However, this time was different. I happily clicked thru Expedia and collected data for my accommodation bookings. I stayed up til 5 AM doing this. Not by some compulsion or deadline, but because I enjoyed it. I like organizing things, especially if they eventually engender fun (the whole point of this trip is of course to have fun!). So why, while I worked, did I feel this other part of my brain going, HELLO! Not over Japan yet, you loser!
Well, okay, that isn’t completely accurate. It was less precise than that. It was more of a sense of dread combined with sadness, with a twist of hopelessness. You know the difference between receiving a knife between the eyes versus the dull stabbing pain of kid brother incessantly poking you with a plastic fork? I’m talking about the latter.
It was weird while I was busy with an engaging activity that requires concentration, that I could still feel depression sitting behind it. People tell me the way I feel since returning from my trip is normal. How long will this be normal before its deemed abnormal? Is it really proportional to the amount of time one’s been traveling? People tell me that a two-week trip merits a good month to get over post voyage syndrome. If I returned from a two-month trip, then I could wallow in this… these … feels for a few months. Since I’ve been away for four months, I’ve been told to not be surprised if this goes on for a year. Before embarking on the wild escapade, I myself predicted I’d need a year to come back to reality. Though, now that I’m actually experiencing it, i wonder if it’ll take longer than that.
They say grieving has its own timetable and is different for each individual. What I’m dealing with is kind of a grieving process mingling with pleasant memories. The two clash and compete for space in my heart. Maybe it’s this tug-o-war that bothers me more than if I simply felt depressed 24/7. Which I don’t. But most days, there’s a ghost of negative emotions hiding behind everything I do. Some days I notice it more than others. If it dares combine with a woke-up-on-wrong-side-of-bed day or god forbid – PMS – that’s when it’s the hardest to NOT pay attention to the niggling nuisance.
Niggling Nuisance could have been today’s double-whammy N-word LOL.
Never mind, it’s Not in my Nature to be a Ninny about Near Nothing. Okay, Now maybe I’m abNormal. Allow me to run into my #AtoZChallenge day-off cave. Sunday approaches in less than two hours, and I probably need a blog day off! See you all on Monday for ‘O’-day.